A Follower asks where he can find an account of my mystic experiences on this Blog. There are hints and affirmations throughout the Blog but no whole, progressive narrative account, so here it is:
I had spontaneous yearly experiences of mystical reunions with Reality from about 15 to 35 years of age. I kept them to myself for nearly 50 years.
They recreated me from a who to a what and gave me a sense of having existed from the beginning of all things to the end of all things; of belonging; and of “everything belonging to me” that others describe as “oneness”; an overwheming liquifying of my matter into pure joy; a profoundly thankful humility; a disappointment in not finding “God” there; a sense of knowing everything; of not existing anywhere but in the experiences; of knowing real reality of existence is the Reality I was experiencing; the frantic helplessness of desolation, of abandonment as each of the experiences ended.
As each of my experiences dissolved me back into my humanity I felt a keenness of loss, outcries of alarm, a profound, wrenching desperation of catastrophic bereavement. I scrabbled against it in futility. I felt marooned, a feeling that taints my human existence to this very second.
I was infused rather than taught or shown or guided. I remember there was nothing to see, hear, smell, physically feel, or think.
In one of my experiences a voice told me quite clearly and emphatically, ALL IS WELL. I was dumbfounded so the message was repeated three times …
The reason I was dumbfounded and deeply disappointed was I thought the message came for someone else. I looked around but there was no one else to see.
I was baffled for years over that message because I had not asked or thought of a question to which that might be the answer.
Another time, I was levitated out of my body. It happened without me noticing. When I did notice it seemed quite natural. I was overjoyed that God was ridding me of my body to take me up. Then I was bitterly betrayed on looking down to see my body still there about 15 feet below.
My conclusion now is there seems to be a Process into which I have been drawn, rather than “God”. This Process is nowhere near as limited as the human word “God” implies. It is benign, caring of all creation, guarding, guiding, aiding and comforting, a constant seemingly natural state of unending contentment, peace, tranquility, humility, gratitude, awe and joy. But it is not about making me a better human, though that, I think I can presume, is automatic, axiomatic. We are all more than merely human.
My sense of personality, character, body, mind, intelligence, intellect, did not exist in my MERs, nor did I miss them, expect them or need them.
I came away with the impression human bodies and brains die, but their spiritual knowingness become absorbed, added into this non-material Process of Reality beyond infinity that never dies. Reality seeks, but does not seek body, brain or mind it seems.
After MER, humans have no need of the anthropmorphic falsehoods of faith, hope or belief – after MER they KNOW. They are one with the Process, no longer needing gods or “God”. The experiences are fulfilling and keep being fulfilling after they’ve gone.
I was never given to believe humanity or individuals can invoke or influence this Process of Reality, either. In fact, being only human might be the reason so many humans have not yet had the experience of MER. Human attachment and egos are two strong deterrents among the many human attributes that come between us and this fulfillment.
The experiences were fulfilling beyond all ordinary human experience, imagining or knowledge. Reality seems to be the alpha and omega of everything, all knowing, a fundamental existential of being that just is, a given that can be taken for granted, does not need to be named. In Reality there are no names: everything just is and all is well. And I was and am that.
Between these experiences I toiled privately at the agony of being partly human despite the experiences’ development and continued effect on me – the continuingly joyous but alienating illumination of Reality and my true nature.
The stress of this growing alienation from “manmukh” – all things human – affected me severely.
The energy of the world, of the human spirit, is not compatible with the development of the spirituality of the ultimate reality of the Mystical Experience of Reality, (MER), in my experiences.
This struggle ruined my life, thankfully …
Now if I’m asked what I have especially taken away from my experiences I would say: Reality is a process. It is in charge. It never fails and is utterly benign …
Neverthless, at times the process got so desperate I developed and finalised the following secret plea to be rescued.
(At the time, I didn’t know how serious the act of writing can be, I just thought I was writing a poem. Later, the answer to this plea came by writing too and is also recorded here):
Divinity’s insouciant servants of the Light
Fly beneath my fears, over my plight,
Indifferent to my day as to my night.
Marooned in the humanity of my time,
Tired by glimpses of the divine,
Save me soon Lord, make me thine.
Marooned to solitude is your story;
Its contemplation leads you to my glory.
Love, understanding and compassion
Are the lessons of your life, your grace, your passion.
From the other side of Night,
I am your glory, your rescue Light …
(Nowadays I wouldn’t use the words “God”, “divine”, “faith”, “Divinity” or “Lord”. And I would call “the light” Reality, such a Light being a unique part of Reality.
(PS: The word “faith” has been bothering me. It signifies lack of real spiritual experience. So as I returned to this poem with my doubt about the rightness of the word the real word arrived. So I have deleted “faith” and as you will see, have inserted the more meaningful word “grace”).
Thanks for the clarity and insight to your MER account. Seems to support the reality that authentic numinous episodes arise spontaneously in a themed orchestration of oneness scenarios with a recurrence of special features like the inclusiveness of light, the degrees of separation or total loss of self, extrovertive messaging, sense of transportation – among the more common. Must confess that I’ve spent the past 45-years in a largely unproductive effort to find accounts of MERs with features corresponding to my own. To date I’ve found a single one with strong similarity to major components (transport in a tunnel of light and being confronted by an imperative to AGREE TO DIE). No question there’s a fairly wide diversity in how authentic MERs imbue an experience of numinous reality and further – how we extrapolate our revelations – compacted beautifully in your poetry.
Thank you. There’s certainly something going on in existence.
Some experience this Reality as enough in itself, needing no human explanation or understanding – accepting, giving never taking.
I meant to ask a long time ago why, in your opinion, did the experiences suddenly cease when you were 35? Since that time have you not felt bereft, unable to feel the oneness you describe? What have the intervening years held? Have you not felt a bit excluded? Like the poor chaps in Plato’s cave, except with the knowledge that there is a greater reality? Or have you lived in that reality ever since? Rather like the Buddha having achieved enlightenment?
The experiences didn’t end suddenly, they just didn’t happen as frequently. From the first one however I was changed and had great difficulty meeting the demands of being human. I realise now that difficulty was because I was in fact something else, let’s call it spiritual for want of a more accurate description. I was becoming real. And that realness jarred with the inconsequentiality of the demands of being human – though increasingly, infinitesimally slowly less human.
No, I never felt excluded. LOL! Just the opposite. You’re the ones presently excluded!!!!!!
The lessons of those mystical experiences of Reality have continuously shown me more and more of the reality of all existence. I’ve tried to share some of it in the Blog within the bounds of those without the experience to understand.
So “the intervening years” as you put it have been filled with ‘spiritual’ understanding – and enduring, coping with the primitiveness of humanity.
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“the inconsequentiality of the demands of being human”. Well put, yes indeed.